Posted on: July 4th, 2010 H.P. Lovecraft’s Stellar Seafood Chowder

by Alexander Lumans

1.    Buy 1 Cthulu.  When buying, check for green pulpy head, prodigious claws, rudimentary wings.  Between 14 and 19 tentacles.  Store in large cooler.

2.    Buy 1 six-pack of Samuel Adams Boston Lager.  Remember: it’s your birthday.  You’re a big boy now, H.P.  And you can go by “Howard.”  Go back inside the store and buy another six-pack.  Place in cooler with Cthulu.

3.    In medium skillet, sauté 2 tbsp. diced onions and 2 garlic cloves in butter over medium-low heat.  Add flour.  Set aside.

4.    Turn on Dutch oven.  Realize that you do not own a Dutch oven, nor know what one is.  Castigate yourself for not planning ahead.  Substitute large, dingy soup pot.

5.    Peel and dice three potatoes.  Cut your middle finger.  Complain up the staircase that you wouldn’t have these problems if Mother would share the cooking duties every once in a while.  You don’t mind cooking, but why are you the only one around here who buys groceries anymore?

6.    Mother is dead.

7.    Remove 8 oz. imitation crab meat from refrigerator.  Sigh.  Next year: real crab.  Drain into bowl 1 cup clam juice from 3 cans.

8.    Peel, de-vein, and decapitate 12 large shrimp.  Cringe while de-veining.  Set shrimp meat in bowl with crab.  Place shrimp heads on your fingers.  Put on a puppet show.  Sigh again.

9.    Stare at cooler in the corner as cooler’s top rises of its own horrific accord.  1 tentacle slithers out and drops 1 bottle cap on the carpet.  Consider making Bagel Bites instead.

10.     Turn pot to medium-low heat.

11.     Drink 1 Sam Adams.  You’ve earned it, Howard.  You’re a Lager Man now.  Find 3 bottles missing in the cooler, 1 Cthulu slightly inebriated.

12.     Pour into pot 1½ cups of milk and 1 cup heavy cream.  This is going straight to your hips, Howard.  How are you ever going to find a girl?  You will look like the town blob.

13.     Add 1 cup water, diced potatoes, clam juice, 1 tsp. ground tarragon, 1½ black pepper.  Salt to taste.  Add onion, garlic, and flour mix.  Stir madly.

14.     Let cook for 25 minutes.  Drink 2 Sam Adams.

15.     Test potatoes for doneness.  Add salt.  Drink 2 more Sam Adams.

16.     Suffer from night terrors.  Gamble with sanity.

17.     Add shrimp and crab to pot.  Fold into the agglutination.

18.     Fetch 1 Cthulu from cooler.  Stumble with its bloated corpulence.  Feel drunker than you should be, but that’s what you get for only eating Lucky Charms today.  Ask Cthulu, “May I huve dis danzes?”  Dance with equally inebriated Cthulu into kitchen.  Drop Cthulu into pot.  Secure lid with C-clamps and bike lock.

19.     Wait.  Cook until screaming stops.

20.     Drink (the last?!) 2 Sam Adams.  Cry.  Wish Father had not died of syphilis.  Be glad your parents cannot see you now.

21.     Prepare ½ cup sour cream and ½ cup diced chives for topping.  Find neither in the kitchen.  Substitute Cool Whip and breath mints.

22.     Remove clamps and lock.  Your chowder should resemble a green, sticky spawn of the stars.  Let cool.

23.     Set table for three.  Ladle chowder into bowls.  Add toppings.  Sit down, say grace, gaze into bowl.  See Cyclopean shoggoths.  See Elder Things and Old Ones.  The Nefandous Horror of Reality.  Decide that the universe is fundamentally alien, and that you are too drunk to eat right now.  Vow that next year will be different.

24.     Fly to Antarctica.

25.     Never come back.

Filed under: bad-ass, stories

4 Responses to “H.P. Lovecraft’s Stellar Seafood Chowder”

  1. Jens Alfke Says:
    July 4th, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Lovely recipe! Sadly I do not have a large enough cooking pot, or I’d bring this to the Fourth Of July party I’m going to.

    BTW, not to nitpick, but it’s spelled “Cthulhu”. With two “h”s.

  2. Jens Alfke Says:
    July 4th, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Lovely recipe! Sadly I do not have a large enough cooking pot, or I’d bring this to the Fourth Of July party I’m going to.

    BTW, not to nitpick, but it’s spelled “Cthulhu”. With two “h”s.

  3. Shelby Davis Says:
    July 4th, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Timothy McSweeney stares in elemental horror at what you’ve done.

  4. Shelby Davis Says:
    July 4th, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Timothy McSweeney stares in elemental horror at what you’ve done.

  5. The Great Geek Manual » Free Fiction Round-Up: July 5, 2010 Says:
    July 6th, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    [...] Read “H.P. Lovecraft’s Stellar Seafood Chowder” by Alexander Lumans. [...]

  6. The Great Geek Manual » Free Fiction Round-Up: July 5, 2010 Says:
    July 6th, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    [...] Read “H.P. Lovecraft’s Stellar Seafood Chowder” by Alexander Lumans. [...]

  7. Sandra Odell Says:
    July 6th, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    An absoutely wonderful story, and reminder of why I don’t eat seafood.

  8. Sandra Odell Says:
    July 6th, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    An absoutely wonderful story, and reminder of why I don’t eat seafood.